


A Great Day for a White Wedding

by Marzos



Category: Carmilla - All Media Types
Genre: F/F, Fake Wedding AU, based off a true story, seriously look it up, undercover cop AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 06:01:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6362284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marzos/pseuds/Marzos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After five months gathering evidence in undercover deals with the largest drug dealers in the city, Officers Carmilla Karnstein and Laura Hollis are tired of being told that there is not enough resources or manpower to arrest all of them. Determined to solve the rampant drug problem that has made Silas the worst city to live in the US, Laura comes up with an idea: lure all of the dealers to one place to make the arrests easier. And what better way to do that than to invite them all to a wedding? </p><p>(An undercover cop/fake wedding AU, based off the Flint Michigan wedding sting)</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Great Day for a White Wedding

“This is bullshit,” Carmilla growled, putting her feet on the table in the breakroom. Laura raised an eyebrow, sitting across from her. 

 

“Morning to you too, partner,” she said with faux cheeriness, putting her coffee in front of Carmilla, “what’s giving you an excuse to be in a bad mood today?” 

 

“Have you seen what it says in the newspaper?” 

 

“No?” Laura got up, standing behind Carmilla and reading over her shoulder. When she saw it, she frowned. 

 

“‘Silas Named Worst City to Live in America,’” Laura read, “that’s...wow. Ouch.” 

 

“I  _ know.  _ Seriously. How did we score worse than  _ Nightvale?”  _

 

“Carmilla, it’s okay--” 

 

“No, it’s  _ not  _ okay,” Carmilla snapped. 

 

Laura squeezed Carmilla’s shoulder tentatively, before returning to her chair. 

 

“Carmilla, we’ve been doing good work. You know that. We’ve made over 100 transactions, Captain says that’s a record--” 

 

“Yeah. Over 100 sales,” Carmilla answered, “ _ five months  _ of pretending to be drug addicts. Five months of making deals in alleys and  _ this, _ ” she slammed the newspaper on the table, “is what we have to show for it. What we’re doing hasn’t done shit. Things are getting  _ worse. _ ” 

 

Laura sighed. She was just as frustrated as Carmilla; five months posing as a drug addicted couple was not exactly  _ fun  _ work. 

 

“This is not exactly helping my mood today,” Laura said. 

 

“What does that mean?” 

 

“Are you sure you want to know?” 

 

“Kind of,” Carmilla answered, grabbing the coffee mug Laura had grabbed for her, lifting it to her lips. 

 

Laura rested her chin in her hand, taking a sip of her coffee. “Danny broke up with me.” 

 

Carmilla paused, swallowing the mouthful of coffee and setting the mug down. 

 

“She uh...she did.” 

 

“Yeah. The whole police officer thing was too much for her, I guess--actually, I know, that’s what she told me. She couldn’t deal with worrying about me so much.” 

 

“Oh. That’s...sorry.” 

 

“It’s okay, I guess. We’ve been fighting a lot, I kind of knew it was coming…” Laura took one more wistful glance at the newspaper. “Can we please go catch some more drug dealers or something? I’d like to take my mind off of it.” 

 

“Of course,” Carmilla answered immediately, standing up, “let’s get ready. Got your undercover clothes?” 

  
“Yep. I think I’m going with a crop top today. Kind of feel like showing off a little.” 

 

She flashed a smirk at Carmilla, who tried not to blush. 

 

“Haha. We both know everyone considers me the hot one in this relationship, Cupcake.” 

 

Laura flipped her hair. “Yeah, well, you’re the closest thing I have to a girlfriend now, so you better be hot.” 

 

Laura started to laugh softly, and Carmilla turned on her heel to get ready.

* * *

 

They were both close to the issue for different reasons. 

 

Carmilla had connections to the underworld. She’d dealt when she was a teenager and Hell, even used a few times, and she was pretty damn good at it. But she got older and wisened up; almost getting shot a few times did that to you. Besides, Carmilla’s only motivation had been to piss off her mom. 

 

So when the Captain wanted to try and buckle down on catching dealers in the city, it was common sense for Carmilla to volunteer. She knew how the world worked. She knew how to be one of them. With her dark hair, perpetual scowl, and biting sarcasm, no one would ever suspect her.

 

Laura never dealt, and never used. But her mother did. So when Laura--fresh out of the academy, fresh faced, convinced that she could make it so no one ever had to lose a loved one again--knew she had a chance, she jumped at it too. 

 

Laura Hollis was five foot one inch of krav maga and bluster, and Carmilla would have rather done the job on her own. No one wanted to babysit a rookie cop; especially not for an undercover job where inexperience could get them killed. But the Silas Police Department was understaffed, underfunded, and undermotivated. They thought it’d be safer for Carmilla to have a partner, so Laura it was. 

 

Their named were Mircalla Morgan and Ell Vordenberg; a long term couple with a taste for prescription pills, marijuana, coke, and any other drug that was offered to them. ‘Mircalla’ was a large scale dealer herself; Ell was the daughter of a well known mobster on the east coast known as ‘Cornelius Vordenberg.’ Of course none of it was true. But it gave them some legitimacy. Laura needed it; no amount of makeup and clothing changed the fact that she looked like an adorable, brunette cinnamon roll. A crime boss father gave her a reason to be part of the underworld. 

 

No one, not even the most seasoned criminals, would ever suspect two lesbians of actually being cops. 

 

“Mircalla,  _ high five!”  _

 

Laura climbed into the passenger seat of their car, holding up her hand. Carmilla rolled her eyes. 

 

“Laura, you do this on  _ every damn operation. _ ” 

 

“Why shouldn’t I?” Laura asked, “we got another one! We should totally celebrate!” 

 

She wiggled her fingers. Carmilla sighed, but gently tapped her hand. 

 

“Wheeee.” 

 

“YEAH!” She fist pumped. She held up the baggie full of medicine bottles. “How long do you think Will is going to go away for selling us adderall?” 

 

“First we need to actually log it in, Cupcake. Can you please keep your voice  _ down?”  _ She pulled out of their spot on the street. “We might have a tail.” 

“We’ve never had a tail on us  _ once,  _ Carm.” 

 

“That kind of thinking is what ruins undercover ops, Cupcake. Now be quiet so I can concentrate.” 

 

“I still don’t understand why we have to drive out to the middle of nowhere.”  

 

“Because it’s too dangerous to wear a wire,” Carmilla answered, “we’ve been over this, rookie.” 

 

Laura frowned. “I’m not a rookie. I’ve been doing this with you for five months. I’ve bought drugs with you over a hundred times. Come on. At least admit I’m an advanced beginner.” 

 

Carmilla didn’t answer, instead turning up the radio, letting an alternative rock song drown her out. 

 

“I could have been an actress, you know,” Laura said, raising her voice, “anyone who can act like they’re your girlfriend could probably win an Oscar!” 

 

“Shut up,  _ Ell. _ ” 

 

“Aw, love you too,  _ Mircalla. _ ” 

 

Carmilla hunched and tried to keep her eyes on the road. To ignore Laura, in her crop top and mini skirt and stereotypical cheap makeup. Laura could even make cheap blue eyeshadow look good. They pulled into a vacant lot on the outskirts of town, where a red pickup truck was waiting. 

 

“Check the mirror?” 

 

“Nothing,” Laura replied. 

 

Carmilla got out of the car, opening the passenger door for her partner. 

 

“How chivalrous of you.” 

 

“Shut up,” Carmilla mumbled. 

 

“Hey,” Laura nudged Carmilla gently as they walked, “you know I was joking, right? You’re a great partner.” 

“And you’re decent for a rookie.” 

 

“I was  _ trying  _ to be nice, but fine, be that way.” 

 

“ _ Guys!”  _

 

LaFontaine stuck their head out the window, waving them over. “Pick up the pace a little. We don’t have all day. This is the worst city in the country, after all.” 

 

“You read the paper too, huh?” Laura asked miserably, slipping into the pickup with Carmilla in the backseat. 

  
“Are you kidding?  _ Everyone  _ in the precinct has read the paper. Can you imagine how bad the city would be if we aren’t doing our jobs?” 

 

“That’s what I told Carmilla!” 

 

Laura looked back at Carmilla, who merely huffed. LaFontaine took out a tape recorder. 

 

“Okay, guys, what’s the evidence?” 

 

Laura cleared her throat. “Suspect was white male, mid twenties, short dark brown haircut, clean shaven. Suspect identified himself as ‘William Luce.’ Evidence is clear plastic baggie containing clear bottles of pills--pills are orange and white, suspected to be adderall. Suspect has sold prescription drugs to my partner and I twice before.” 

 

LaFontaine clicked off the tape recorder. “So this makes three times, right?” 

 

“Yes! So we’ve established a continuing investigation, right? You guys can arrest him? He’s kind of my least favorite drug dealer ever. He keeps hitting on me right in front of Carm. I mean, she’s not  _ really  _ my girlfriend, but it’s the principle of the thing that makes it kind of gross. Plus he knows I’m gay anyway.” 

 

“Well, we have all the evidence we need to do it--”

 

“Which means less than nothing,” Carmilla interrupted from the backseat. 

 

_ “Carm,”  _ Laura warned. 

 

“No, I mean it,” Carmilla was sitting back with her arms crossed; she sat up straighter. “We’ve made over a hundred transactions. And how many have we actually picked up? Have we picked  _ any  _ of them up?” 

 

“You’re just being all pessimistic because of what you read this morning,” LaFontaine answered, “you know we’re doing our best here. We don’t have the funds to round them all up. We don’t have the manpower. You both  _ are  _ our drug unit. Everyone else is focused on the violent crimes.” 

 

Laura’s jaw clenched. “Drugs  _ are  _ violent.” 

 

“Officer--” 

 

“My mom is  _ dead  _ because of drugs. Maybe Carmilla is right. If we were actually taking drug crime  _ seriously  _ we’d be getting results, instead of playing pretend for five months without making any difference!” 

 

Laura stopped, surprising herself at the outburst. “I...it’s just...Carmilla isn’t the only one getting frustrated.” 

 

Carmilla frowned softly. She leaned in and touched Laura gently on the shoulder. 

 

“Don’t shoot the messenger, Cupcake,” Carmilla said gently. LaFontaine watched the exchange with interest. 

 

“...Sorry, LaF, I know it’s not your fault. You’re not the Captain. If we could just--if we could just get them all in one place, it’d be easier, wouldn’t it?” 

 

“Rounding up every major drug lord in the city in one place? Yeah, sounds easy,” LaFontaine answered dryly.

 

“People have done it before,” Carmilla answered, “I heard of a story in San Francisco, they held a wedding on a yacht and invited the mob.” 

 

“We couldn’t afford a yacht,” LaFontaine pointed out. 

 

“It wasn’t like we were being serio--wait,” Laura’s eyes lit up, “Carmilla, I am  _ totally being serious. _ ” 

 

“What?” 

Laura turned around in her seat, looking at Carmilla, grinning widely. “Mircalla Morgan, will you marry me?”

* * *

 

It was the dumbest idea Laura had ever had, and the dumbest idea Carmilla had ever agreed to. But they were desperate. Incredibly, monumentally desperate.

 

“So, you want to...marry each other…?” Captain Belmonde said.

 

“It is a perfect plan,” Laura said, speaking quickly, “we have connections now, people know us, they think Carm is a drug dealer and my father is an east coast gangster! If we invite them, they’ll want to come. We have friends all over the underworld. We get them all in one place--for a  _ wedding-- _ and they won’t see it coming. Plus, a wedding won’t be suspicious at all. They think Carmilla and I have been in a long-term relationship.” 

 

Captain Belmonde laced her fingers together on her desk, squinting her eyes at Laura. Carmilla stood awkwardly off to the side, content to let Laura do the pitching on the idea. 

 

“...I’m trying to decide if this idea is brilliant or insane,” she stated, “Officer Hollis, your credentials were excellent, which is of course why you’re working here, but I’m not sure if that would have been the case had I known that you were prone to rather...hare brained schemes.” 

 

Laura’s smile faltered somewhat. “But--but--it’s a good idea! Right, Carmilla?” 

 

Captain Belmonde looked at her. “Carmilla?” 

 

She sighed. Her shoulders rose slightly, eyes flitting back and forth, before walking forward. 

 

“...Desperate times call for desperate measure,” Carmilla finally said, “we can get all of the major dealers together. That’s bound to send a message.” 

 

She closed her eyes, running a hand down her face. 

 

“Officer Hollis, you’re dismissed.” 

 

“But--” 

 

_ “Dismissed. _ ” 

Laura bit her lip, slowly backing up out of the office. 

 

“Carmilla, come a little closer, please.” 

 

Carmilla edged closer. Belmonde leaned in. 

 

“This is the most ridiculous plan I have ever had suggested to me.” 

 

“Mattie, look. You’ve seen the stats. Silas is only getting worse. We need to do something  _ big  _ and--and maybe a big drug bust is just what we need. Taking down every major dealer in the city? That has to do  _ something. _ We need to take back Silas.” 

 

Captain Belmonde leaned back in her chair. She looked up at the ceiling. 

 

“...You’re very good at what you do, Officer Karnstein.” 

 

“Thank you.” 

 

“If this ends up blowing up in our faces, you  _ and  _ Laura are out. No questions. Do we have an understanding?”

Carmilla swallowed. “Yes.” 

 

“One more thing.” 

 

“Yes…?” 

 

Belmonde looked back at Carmilla and smirked. “I’ve heard word that Laura broke up with her girlfriend.” 

 

Carmilla turned red. “Shut up,” she mumbled. 

 

“Carmilla, you have had a crush on her  _ forever _ .” 

 

“Has LaFontaine been talking to you? I know they--” 

 

“I’m just saying, you both do make a good team.” 

 

“Yes. Which I don’t want to ruin by inevitably having a breakup because Laura is far too pure for my tastes.” 

 

“Think about it. Especially since I don’t want to lose the office pool.” 

 

“ _ Wait wait what?”  _

 

“Dismissed, and we’ll work out the logistics of this operation later.” 

 

“But what do you mean office--” 

 

“Dismissed!” 

 

Carmilla was forced out, standing in front of a smiling Laura. 

 

“So?” 

 

“...Ell Vordenberg, I apparently accept your proposal.” 

 

“YES!” Laura exclaimed, hugging Carmilla tightly. “This is so awesome, we’re going to put every cop drama on TV to  _ shame!”  _

 

Carmilla didn’t know how to respond, so she settled for patting Laura awkwardly on the back.

* * *

 

Planning a normal wedding was hard. 

 

Planning a fake wedding was, surprisingly, even harder. 

 

“So we’re hand delivering this one too?” Laura whispered. 

 

“Yeah. Just...you know, just hand it to him when we pick up the stuff.” 

 

They both stepped out of the car, meeting Will in his usual spot. Laura was, once again, struck by how normal he looked. No hoodie, no bloodshot eyes, nothing. Just a normal guy in a polo shirt and jeans. 

 

“Ladies, how are you? Ready for your fix?” 

“We actually came for a little more than that, Will,” Carmilla answered, “Ell, babe, do you want to show him?” 

 

Laura took a breath. She didn’t know why she was nervous. They had done this for the last few weeks. Buying drugs from as many of their regular dealers as they could, passing out invitations to each of them. But for some reason Laura still waited for one of them to figure out it was fake. Not that they could; it wasn’t like the invitations had ‘property of Silas police department’ printed on them. 

 

“Here,” Laura held up the invitation. Will took it in his hand and squinted to read the cursive print. 

 

“‘You are formally invited to the wedding of Miss Ell Vordenberg and Mircalla Morgan…’ You guys are tying the knot? No way!” 

 

Laura breathed a sigh of relief. “Yeah. I finally got this one to propose.” She put an arm around Carmilla’s waist. 

 

Carmilla merely shrugged. “Eh, I figured she wasn’t going anywhere.” 

 

“You should have this for free then. Consider it my engagement present--” 

 

“Hey, you have to make a living!” Laura answered quickly, throwing the money in his hands, “please.” 

 

“Oh,” Will blinked, then grinned. “Sorry to see you both officially off the market. I’ll be there!” 

 

“Thanks Will.” 

 

When they got back in the car, Laura leaned against the back of the seat. 

 

“...That’s the last one.” 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“They’ve all been really happy for us,” Laura continued, “I almost feel bad that this is a lie. Almost.” 

 

Carmilla laughed. “Not getting cold feet then?” 

 

“Of  _ course  _ not. What about you? Mircalla Morgan never seemed like the settling down type.” 

 

“Well, when she’s as cute as you.” 

 

They both grinned at each other before they drove off.

* * *

 

Officer Perry baked the wedding cake. It was five tiers, the uppermost two made of cardboard instead of real cake. The department had no funding, things had to get a little creative to pull it off. 

 

“Do you like it?” 

 

“Um...is that blue ribbon?” Laura asked, leaning in to get a closer look. 

 

“And sugared bees?” Carmilla added, “not that we’re doubting your cake decorating skills but why…?” 

 

Perry grinned widely. “Blue police ribbon. And it’s a ‘sting’. Hence the bees.” 

 

Laura started laughing. Carmilla groaned. 

 

“Your sense of humor leaves something to be desired.” 

 

“You should have a sense of humor about this Carmilla,” Laura answered, “come on, try and have a little fun! Have seen our band?” 

 

“‘Band?’” 

 

“Elsie, Sarah Jane, and Natalie can play instruments, so they formed a band. They’re going to be, like, hippies. We named them ‘S.P.O.C’.” 

 

“Which means…?” 

 

“Somebody Protect Our Crops.” 

 

“...But isn’t that just cops spelled backward?” 

 

“ _ Yes. _ ” 

 

“What do they play?” 

 

“Um…” Laura rubbed the back of her neck. “Bass, saxophone, and cello?” 

 

Carmilla was sure her eyes were rolling so far she could see the back of her head. 

 

“Great. So Kirsch is going to pretend to be the minister. We have a cake. We have booze. We know who’s showing up. We have a band. So...tomorrow we do this, right? I’m going to go home and get some sleep.” 

 

“Wait! I’ll walk out with you.” 

 

Carmilla started to walk, and Laura followed, keeping pace with her. 

 

“You know the best thing about my dress? I can totally hide my gun in my garter.” 

 

“Fantastic.” 

 

“Getting cold feet?” Laura asked. Carmilla pulled out a pack of cigarettes, sitting on the steps of the building they were using for the ceremony. 

 

“...Do you think this will actually do anything?” 

 

“What?” 

 

“This bust. We have a fake band, a retired officer playing your father, a fake cake...I feel something is either going to go wrong, or this will go right and nothing really changes. We’ll still be the worst city to live in America.” 

 

Laura sat next to Carmilla, wrinkling her nose slightly and turning her head so that she didn’t inhale the cigarette smoke as it curled into the air. 

 

“...Maybe it’ll make a difference,” Laura answered, “maybe it won’t. I don’t know. When I thought of this I was just really desperate to see someone get arrested. But you know, no matter what actually happens after this, I think it’ll be worth it. We proved that we’re not going to stop fighting. And even if that doesn’t send a message to criminals, it does to everyone else, right?”

 

Carmilla didn’t answer. 

 

“You know what I’ve been thinking?” Laura asked, “after this, obviously we can’t go undercover again. No more Ell Vordenberg and Mircalla Morgan.” 

“Thank  _ God, _ ” Carmilla answered. 

 

“I actually found playing Ell kind of fun.” 

 

“You did?” 

 

“Of course I did. The crop tops and the mini skirts? My dad would  _ kill  _ me if he knew I was wearing that. And then the drawl,” Laura slowed her speech to mimic the signature husky voice she used when she was undercover, “‘I want twenty dollars worth of whatever ya’ got, I don’t care wha’ it is.’” 

 

Carmilla snickered. “You get way too into your characters.” 

 

“What about you? You make yourself like fifty percent sexier whenever you’re Mircalla.” 

 

“So you think I’m sexy?” 

 

Laura’s smile disappeared and she blushed. “Um--I mean--well as an objective statement of fact--” 

 

Carmilla flicked her cigarette away. “Cupcake, you’re good. And hey?” 

 

“Yes?” 

 

“I am honored to be your fake wife,” Carmilla joked. 

 

“Likewise.” 

 

Laura, casually, grabbed Carmilla’s hand. Carmilla looked at her quizzically. 

 

“In case anyone who knows our alter egos sees us?” 

 

It sounded like a pretty stupid reason, but honestly? Carmilla was going to take it.

* * *

 

The Crowley Banquet was chosen for its cheap food and discreet location near the edge of town. It was decorated in blue and white--police colors.

 

The song the band would play was chosen because it’d be funny. When it was time for them to start arresting people, the band was supposed to play “Call the Police” by Thin Lizzy.

 

Laura’s dress was chosen for its thrift store price. It was a God-awful abomination that cost about twenty dollars, a full length ivory dress with lace sleeves that went up to the elbow and puffy shoulders. Carmilla was glad she chose to wear a tux. 

 

This was going to go wrong. Carmilla knew  _ something  _ was going to go wrong. The police colors for decorations, the band’s name being COPS spelled backwards, the song...it was going to top someone off. 

 

Eh, at least Carmilla would have fun in the meantime. 

 

“Whose idea was it to auction off the bricks of marijuana?” Laura hissed, walking into the room where Carmilla was adjusting her tie. 

 

“Hey, isn’t it bad luck to see the bride before--” 

 

“Stop joking, Carm, they’re raffling them off for 100 dollars a ticket. When did this become part of the plan?” 

 

“It was LaFontaine’s idea,” Carmilla answered, “we have the outstanding warrant for them but the bricks are just to make absolutely sure something sticks. I was showing them off before, but you were too busy doing your hair.” 

 

“...Wow, we are auctioning off weed at our wedding,” Laura said, “this is  _ not  _ how I imagined my wedding to go.” 

 

“Me neither,” Carmilla answered, “I wanted gold ribbons, not blue.” 

 

Laura paused before she started to laugh. “Hey...turn away from the mirror?” 

 

“Why?” 

 

“You’ve been messing with that tie for the past five minutes. I do it for my dad all the time.” 

 

Carmilla turned. Laura bent down and started to adjust. 

 

“You know, you look kind of handsome in a bowtie, partner,” Laura said, smiling softly. Carmilla swallowed. 

 

“You look like you stepped in a time machine and bought your dress in the 1970s,” Carmilla replied. 

 

Laura huffed, standing up again after she fixed the bowtie. “I  _ wish.  _ Then it’d be vintage. It really is just this ugly.” 

 

She took a deep breath. “Well...moment of truth time.” 

 

“Yeah. See you...wifey.” 

 

“You refuse to make this easy, don’t you?” 

 

“Have I ever made anything easy,  _ Ell?”  _

 

Laura tried to run a hand through her hair, forgetting that it was an updo. When her hand hit her neck instead of her hair, she shook her head, and decided to mumble ‘see you’ and walk out. 

 

Carmilla stood up. 

 

“Here comes the bride…” Carmilla said to herself, walking into the bathroom to finish doing her makeup.

* * *

 

The man walking Laura down the aisle was a retired officer, also named Vordenberg, which inspired the last name of Laura’s alter ego. He had been off the job for so long they hadn’t been afraid anyone would recognize the name; and so far they had been right.

 

Carmilla’s eyes scanned the crowd of people, flitting back and forth nervously. A lot of them were eyeing the stash of weed they thought was being raffled; most of them were already good and drunk on all the free liquor. Carmilla could see that a lot of them were packing weapons underneath sports jackets and tucked into pants. 

 

Yeah, maybe getting a bunch of drunken dealers in the same place wasn’t such a great idea...but it was Carmilla’s fault for listening to Laura in the first place.

 

The band started playing--and God, they were awful. Seriously, their cover was going to be blown because someone would call bullshit on a real wedding ever hiring a band that bad--and Laura started walking down the aisle arm and arm with Vordenberg. 

 

Even that horrible 70s dress looked kind of charming on her. When Laura stopped in front of Carmilla, she raised her eyebrows. 

 

_ Ready?  _

 

Carmilla nodded slightly. Ready. 

 

“We are gathered here today to celebrate two people sharing their lives, their hopes, and their dreams. It is totally awesome and we should all be happy for them.” 

 

_ Why  _ did they think making Kirsch the minister was a  _ good  _ idea? Carmilla tried not to wince. She remembered that Kirsch was carrying a loaded weapon under his robes, which helped a little to calm her nerves. But not much. 

 

“...I give you this ring to pledge my eternal love and loyalty to you,” Laura said, snapping Carmilla out of panic mode. The rings. Right. 

 

She was staring into Laura’s eyes and momentarily had absolutely no idea what to say. 

 

“Uh...I love you and everything…” Carmilla managed to say, slipping the ring on. Laura, to her credit, still looked happy. Maybe she really could win that Oscar.

 

“Pronounce you wife and wife! Congrats bros!” 

 

Everyone cheered; Laura kissed Carmilla, which absolutely  _ shocked  _ her for about 2.5 seconds until she realized, right. They just got fake-married. This was what fake-married people did. Her lips were warm and kind of dry, but...nice. Carmilla wouldn’t mind doing this fake married thing again. 

 

“Not enough people,” Carmilla whispered as she pulled Laura close, stepping out on the floor for their wedding dance, “about half the guests arrived, we need to wait until the rest of them show up.” 

 

“Great, great. Um...C...I mean Mircalla?” 

 

“Yes?” 

 

“Did we ever bother to learn a wedding dance?” 

 

Oh,  _ shit.  _

 

“...Follow my lead.” 

 

“Do you have any idea what you’re doing?” Laura hissed. 

 

“Not really, but my mother forced me to learn to waltz when I was, like, ten.” 

 

Laura didn’t look like she believed Carmilla, so she decided to show her. They swayed gently from side to side and Carmilla dared to spin her a few times, guiding Laura into the simplest waltz she could--frankly, it was all  _ she  _ remembered anyway. When the song ended Carmilla swept her into a dip. 

 

“...Show off.” 

 

“I just saved our cover, here.” 

 

“Everyone is drunk, do you think they  _ care?” _

 

She pulled Laura back up, bowing slightly at the scattering of claps. The band started playing a faster song, and they had to start mingling. 

 

“Carmilla, do you recognize those people…?” 

 

“No?” 

 

“I think--oh my God, gangsters crashed our wedding,” Laura said, turning pale, “I recognize them! They’re wanted!” 

 

“And I see they’re enjoying the free booze,” Carmilla answered dryly. 

 

“We have to do something, this--we didn’t invite them!” 

 

“Cupcake, first of all, that just means more people to arrest. Second of all...you know this isn’t  _ really  _ your wedding, right?” 

 

“...Right. But  _ still.  _ That’s rude.” 

 

You could tell who was undercover by where they put their hands; against their hips, near their weapons. Guests were downing beer by the pitcher, not the glass. Near the back Belmonde, dressed in plain clothes (her cover was that she was Carmilla’s third cousin) was ticking off the guests on a list. 

 

When Laura cut the cake (while Carmilla whispered in her ear ‘avoid the cardboard avoid the cardboard  _ avoid the fucking cardboard)  _ Belmonde walked up to the band and whispered in their ears. 

 

And then, the band gave their signal. ‘Call the Police’. 

 

Carmilla almost froze for a moment. Here it was. The signal. They actually managed to pull it off and no one figured it out. She shook herself out of it before clapping her hands.  _ Show time.  _

 

“Let’s play a game!” Carmilla shouted, “everyone who’s a cop, stand!” 

 

Their friends all stood.

 

“Good! Now, everyone who didn’t stand,  _ put your hands on the motherfucking table THIS IS A BUST!”  _

 

It was absolute pandemonium for a moment. Laura hiked up her dress and grabbed her revolver from her garter. People were getting tackled to tables and cuffed. Carmilla watched the scene with Laura in absolute awe. 

  
“Oh my God, this worked. This shit plan actually  _ worked. _ ” 

 

“I know!” Laura raised her gun, “well? I’m not letting them have all the fun!” 

 

“EVERYONE DROP YOUR WEAPONS!” Carmilla shouted, grabbing her gun from an inside coat pocket. 

 

They walked through the banquet hall, pointing their guns at dealers. Carmilla had never had so much fun; she was so thrilled that it was  _ working  _ that it was suddenly the coolest thing she’d ever done; it kind of was. 

 

“Welcome to the red wedding,  _ bitch!”  _ Laura exclaimed, slamming Will into a table and cuffing him. She looked at Carmilla for approval. She nodded at her. 

 

“Holy shit,  _ Ell,  _ you’re a  _ cop?”  _

 

“My name is Officer Laura Hollis, but you can call me  _ your worst nightmare. _ ” 

 

“Can you cool it on the--DO NOT TRY ANYTHING PEDRO, OR I WILL BREAK YOUR FUCKING FACE--pop culture references?” Carmilla asked, kicking a gun away from a cuffed criminal’s hand. 

 

“But it’s  _ fun,”  _ Laura answered. She searched Will’s coat and produced a revolver. “Just give me a reason, Will,  _ GIVE ME A REASON.”  _

 

“Laura, you already cuffed him, there is literally no reason to say that.” 

 

“But I always wanted to!” 

 

“Oh, Jesus Christ...let me show you how it’s done.” 

 

Carmilla jumped on one of the banquet tables. 

 

“Thank you all for coming to our wedding!” Carmilla exclaimed, “my name is Officer Carmilla Karnstein, and my partner is Officer Laura Hollis. And we just busted all your asses. Now, you are going to jail. That’s right, we’ve been lying to you this  _ whole time.  _ How does it feel to know you just got fooled by two girls under five four?” 

 

“I bet it feels pretty stupid!” Laura exclaimed, climbing onto the table and putting an arm around Carmilla. “Best...partners...ever!” 

 

They high fived. They grabbed glasses of wine off the table and did a toast. 

 

“To cleaning up Silas city?” 

 

“Definitely!” 

 

“You  _ bitches!”  _ One of the gangsters shouted. Laura looked at him. 

 

“That’s right. I’m a bitch. I’m a  _ boss ass bitch. _ And what does that make  _ you?”  _

 

“Slow your roll, Sundance,” Carmilla said, turning Laura’s attention back to the wine. They both downed a glass, grinning at each other.

* * *

 

“I still can’t believe we actually pulled that off,” Laura said, sitting outside the banquet hall with Carmilla, both of them still dressed in their wedding clothes. They watched as car after police car took away crime lords that had eluded the city for years. 

 

“...I think this is the start of something,” Carmilla said, “this has to mean something, right?” 

 

“Of course it does. Send a message. Show the world Silas is going to pick itself up. We’re, like, Batman and Robin fighting crime in Gotham city.” 

 

“Whatever you say, young ward,” Carmilla said, laughing. 

 

“Whoa,  _ you’re  _ Robin!” 

 

“You were assigned to me because you were inexperienced. You’re  _ my  _ sidekick.” 

 

“Whose idea was this whole thing? Huh?” 

 

Carmilla nodded. “...Actually, that’s true. You know I had my doubts about this,” she regarded Laura seriously, “but you know what? It was pretty ballsy, Hollis. Pretty ballsy. You...your mother, she’d probably be proud.” 

 

Laura took a sharp intake of breath. “Thank you,” she said softly, “and, um...thanks for being here for me and everything. Going along with my crazy plan.” 

 

“Always, partner. Especially now,” she teased, “‘til death do us part, right?” 

 

“Oh, of  _ course.  _ I think this marriage is going to last, too.” 

 

They both started laughing. Carmilla put her arms around Laura. When the laughter trailed off, she couldn’t help but notice they were, well, pretty close--

“Hey,  _ bros!”  _

 

“KIRSCH CAN YOU GIVE US A MOMENT?” Carmilla exclaimed, pushing Laura away, their lips about a centimeter apart before the interruption. 

 

“Dude, this was a total success!” Kirsch squeezed between them. “They’re already talking about a promotion for both you guys! I’m really happy for ya’.” 

 

“Uh, thanks Kirsch,” Laura said, looking at Carmilla.    
  


“And thanks for being the minister, and goodbye,” Carmilla said. Kirsch ignored the goodbye part. 

 

“No problem. When LaF said they needed a fake minister, I jumped on it. I got my certification a few years ago for my cousin’s wedding and--” 

 

“ _ Wait,”  _ Laura interrupted, “you’re  _ actually  _ a minister?” 

 

“Yeah, you can get ordained on the internet. Anyways--” 

 

“SO YOU ACTUALLY MARRIED US?” 

 

“No! I mean...actually, I didn’t do anything different, so I guess I kind of did... _ whoa,  _ guys, congratulations!” 

 

“KIRSCH GET OUT I NEED A MOMENT WITH MY WIFE.” 

 

Kirsch looked into Laura’s eyes--eyes that were absolutely on fire--and scrambled to his feet. 

 

Carmilla started laughing hysterically, falling onto the steps. “Oh my  _ God,  _ fucking  _ LaFontaine _ .” 

 

“Stop laughing, this is  _ serious!  _ We’re...we’re married!” 

 

“Congratulations,  _ Mrs. Karnstein.”  _

 

“Why am I taking your name? I am keeping my name, thank you very--and  _ wait,  _ why am I arguing this with you, we’re not staying married!” 

 

“But  _ baby,  _ ‘til death do us part, remember?” 

“Then I’m going to  _ kill  _ you!” 

 

“Then I’ll love you from the afterlife,  _ honey bunch. _ ” 

 

“We are getting an annulment.” 

 

Carmilla got up, wiping off her pants. “Cupcake,” she said, “you want to talk about our divorce over some drinks? There’s a bar literally across the street.” 

 

“Wait,” Laura took Carmilla’s hand. “We are going to look pretty ridiculous, aren’t we? I mean, I’m wearing a wedding dress and you’re wearing a tux.” 

 

“I bet we can score free shots if we play the wedding card.” 

 

“And you are asking me out, correct?” 

 

“Uh...well, it’s important to keep the romance in a marriage?” 

 

Laura didn’t look amused. But she took Carmilla’s hand. 

 

“Only because I need you to sign the divorce papers,” Laura mumbled. 

 

The moment they stepped into the bar, however, Laura pointed up toward the ceiling. 

 

“Oh my God, look at the TV.” 

 

Plastered across the screen was Laura, carrying her gun and hitching up her dress. 

 

The subtitle, in all caps: ‘WELCOME TO THE RED WEDDING BITCHES’. 

 

They had press at the wedding, disguised as wedding photographers and video takers. 

 

Carmilla and Laura both looked at each other. 

 

“...Wow, my wife is famous,” Carmilla said, nudging Laura gently. 

 

Laura hit Carmilla on the arm, and they sat down at the bar, ignoring everyone’s stares. 

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
